Tuesday, 23 June 2015

Feeling alone.

Growing up I'd always compared myself to others; especially those in the media! Everyones life seemed more exciting and better in a sense than mine! Everyone was experiencing new things when all I seemed to be doing was the same things everyday! Instagram was full of people going travelling, spending time with friends and generally being happy! Yet all I seemed to be doing was putting myself down and pushing people away.

In primary school I can never remember feeling alone, I always had a huge group of friends around me, we played out in the streets till it got dark and I never seemed to be at home! But in high school things just changed! Friends that I grew up with made new friends, people who I thought would still be there for me was in different classes and I felt like a tiny fish in a huge pond! I joined sports clubs and tried to socialise as much as I could and eventually made a group of new friends that were interested in the same things as me, we went out together to the cinema, for meals and generally just had a laugh! 

As my time in high school went on my group of friends grew and I really started to feel like I fitted in again, I had friends in all my classes I was doing well academically and overall I was really happy! I realised that all my friends lived quite far away from me, so seeing them everyday of the school holidays wasn't realistic but we made the most of everyday that we did something! We went on adventures, did spontaneous things and made some new friends along the way. 

When it got to sixth form things was a lot easier we were all learning to drive and I was fortunate enough that my parents got me a car straight after I passed my test! This meant I could spend a lot more time with my friends because I didn't have to rely on my parents for lifts! I also went on two school trips to Poland and America and we all definitely bonded a lot more, when we came back we all started spending a lot more time together as a group, but also some of my friends started doing things without me which was quite hard for me to deal with because I was used to everyone doing things together! 

Looking back at my time in high school and sixth form there's definitely things I wish I did different; the parties I never went to because I thought my parents would say no, the opportunities I didn't take because I thought I wouldn't like them!  I felt pushed into going to university because that's what everyone else was doing and after a year and a half of forcing myself to go, I just couldn't face being in a room everyday with people who I didn't fit in with, doing a course that I hated! My parents eventually agreed that this was the best decision for me, but I definitely felt like I was failing them! Anxiety played a key role in all of this and I just felt like I was drowning! I'd pushed so many people away I felt like I was left with no one, and now everyone had left to go to universities in different cities I'd never felt more alone! Yes I had my family, and some friends from university but something just didn't seem right! My anxiety started getting worse and I started having panic attacks that just kept happening randomly. I didn't really understand why all of this was happening so suddenly and I spend most nights crying to my parents because I had no career plans, no friends and no one to socialise with! I just didn't know what to do anymore, nothing anyone was saying was helping me and I just felt alone! Everything was going wrong. 

Something had to be done, I cut myself off from social media and started doing things for myself that I used to enjoy; I started baking, I went on walks, went down to the beach and even started building bridges with the people I'd pushed away and this definitely started to help! I told my friends how I felt and got things off my chest which made me feel like I had a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  I might not be as close with my friends anymore but I do know that some of them are there for me no matter what! 

 I've definitely learnt that you can't go through life relying on other people to make you happy! If you want it you've got to go get it! Take every opportunity as it comes and you might actually enjoy the outcome. I definitely still have days where I compare myself to everyone and feel alone but that's part of growing up! Everyone has periods in their life where they feel alone, some people experience this at 13, some at 20 there's no right age for this to happen! Some days are going to be better than others and you have to stay strong, tell someone how you feel they might actually be able to help if you're honest with them!  Just please don't give up on yourself, your life is worth far more than being lonely, especially when this does get better over time!

If this post can help just one person out there and assure them that it gets better then that's brilliants, I hope you all enjoyed reading my personal experience of feeling alone and that it can help you in some way, shape or form! Thank you for all of your support! xo. 

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